A letter to my 2020 self!

As 2020 started, I had so many expectations of myself. I, like many others hopped onto the 20-plenty train declaring greatness and nothing less. I had planned to get everything right even though at that time my life was low-key falling apart. But I still stepped in. It’s strange how you can walk into unfamiliar territory and claim it with goals. I declared that I would have healthy relationships and my February started with a breakup. My heart was in pieces.

"It is in those moments you think you can't go on that your strength grows. Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts, because any difficulties that you face, will not last forever. It may pass like kidney stones, but it will pass."

You must understand, I am a planner and I pride myself in structure. Having entered the year with a breakup felt as though the boat was being rocked a little. But I still pressed on. Still tried to steer my ship. I told myself that he and I were just “going through it” and we’ll be fine. A month later, a nationwide lockdown was announced. Now, all the classes I promised myself I would attend were in the fate of an online system. People I knew started passing away. Family friends started passing away. My financial situation was in disarray. I felt hopeless. I felt stuck. I believedin God and stopped believing a couple of times.

Then one day it hit me, “surrender to the process”. I have always heard these words but it was in a moment when I was in my bed crying at 3 in the morning, praying for some form of structure. It was then, I decided to surrender and to be still. In a couple of months, my financial situation started to change, I believed in God again. Don’t misunderstand me, this was not a drastic change. It was gradual. I joke that I found him properly this time. On my own. I can’t lie and say I haven’t been angry at Him but it’s easier to understand that there is a reason, a time and place for everything.

So to the girl in 2020: God had to let you go through all those challenges so that you can be the woman you are in 2021. You had to go through the heartbreak to understand how you need to love yourself, to understand you are worthy and deserving of love, that you need to believe in yourself before others believe in you, and to understand that rejection is God’s redirection. You are someone’s testimony.

What God is doing in you is far greater than you or your family. You are part of something bigger than yourself. So step into this year understanding that challenges may come. Allow your heart to love again, allow your scars to become beauty marks. Allow your suffering to inspire others. Allow yourself to live. You are a Kingdom child. A righteous woman of God. You are Qualified. You are Loved. You are Seen.

Never forget who you are. Always step towards God and understand that it is in your silent moments, in the moments where you are breaking and crying out to Him that you will be able to discern the voice of God. So pay attention. Allow God to steer your ship. Looking back on the goals I made on the 31st of December 2020, I had reached 80% of my goals and had not even realised it. I would be lying to you, Queen, if I said I had done it all by myself or all by my hard work. It was honestly God’s Grace. His mercy carried me and my family through 2020.

I was so hard on myself, I felt so undeserving but God reminded me through my fellow sisters and mentor that I am qualified! Once I am qualified, there is no turning back. Me? A girl from a broken home with an abusive father. I was called by God. God chooses who HE wants. Despite your broken place. Despite where you come from.

You. Are. Worthy sis.

With love from : Paballo Sejanamane, Co-Leader of Bloggers & Vloggers

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